“It’s been immensely liberating to realize so much of joy is made worse by trying to make joy stay. And so much of suffering is made worse by trying to make suffering go away.” –
Max Ritvo, 1990-2016
We all struggle at some point in life.
If you’re alive, you’ll know suffering, even if you’re living the best life you can.
What’s important is to discern ‘good’ suffering from toxic suffering, and to embrace one and eschew the other.
No pain, no gain
Imagine that you have landed or created the job of your dreams.
Parts of it will be hard. You’ll still struggle with certain aspects of your job, no matter how much you like it.
If you’re a writer, you might enjoy solitary creation but dread book tours or other events. If you’re a dentist, you might thrive on helping patients but struggle with the paperwork for insurance and billing.
Sometimes our struggles are difficult, but have aspects that benefit us: facing anything you don’t like or don’t want to do you might teach you more self-reliance, or you might become more humble, or get better at empathizing with others as a result of your own difficulty.
Tough times serve you when you can sense that you are deepening from the experience. When you handle this difficult situation or unliked task, it teaches you more about being human, and you grow into a wiser person.
Warning signs
While some difficulty in life is good for you, other times, the struggle in your life can drain you.
Instead of learning from the tough times, you might be with people or in an organization or place that isn’t right for you, and the same petty arguments or situations erupt over and over again but get you nowhere. You’re not learning much of anything except to tolerate the intolerable.
In this case, it might be time to move on, for your own health and happiness.
If you’re unsure about the unhappiness you’re feeling around a person or situation, ask yourself:
- Are the struggles that I am experiencing good for me, or are they harmful?
- Do I sense that these challenges are somehow building my character, or are they eroding my potential or my life in some way?
- Are the lessons I’m learning new challenges for me, or am I experiencing the same old problem, over and over again?
- Do I feel as though the situations and people in my life are teaching me to be a better person, or are they dragging me down through negative, repetitive interactions?
Quick test
Another good litmus test to help you know how you feel about any topic is: how does the thought of this person/situation/environment feel in your body?
When you think about this person, place, or situation, how do you feel in your stomach and in your legs? What happens to your breathing and heart rate? What is the look on your face?
Just ask a friend or family member to observe you as you talk about your situation. Your physical expression will reveal your feelings, as you’ll either look expansive and confident, or contracted and stressed.
Know when to fold
There are certain difficulties that you’ll encounter in life that will challenge you to become a deeper, more compassionate person, with a broader understanding. Sticking through these tough times builds resilience.
There are other challenges that are harmful and should be avoided. If you don’t learn this, you’ll encounter these painful challenges over and over until you learn the lesson.
It’s up to you to determine one tough time from the other, and in this way, you’ll know when to stick it out through difficulty, and when to run far away from trouble.
Believe it or not, this skill could save your life.
